Journal Entry: October 24, 2016

These past several months have consistently gotten better. We went from family's house to 3 different motels, with the last being the ESA in FR. That was the first place to feel like home. He has been working steady for E since the end of Jan 2016. I hope and pray this will be his job for many years. To retire there. The Lord moved mountains and we leased a condo here in FR. I thank You everyday for it, Father, EVERY DAY! I never ever imagined you would provide a place for us back in OC, and at Liberty. A do over? I don't know. But this is beyond my dreams.

I sincerely miss my daughter and granddaughter so much!! Some days I am overwhelmed with sadness at missing them. Most days I am overwhelmed with gratefulness at having them! I don't want to fall into the trap of ungratefulness again.

Journal Entry: December 21 2015

Today is a hard day. This was a hard week, a hard month, and a hard year. I don't really want to start at the beginning, too long, too depressing. But, today I feel alone. No one understands me, no one understands my family's circumstances. These are the days when a girl needs her mom. Her unconditionally loving mom, whom helps her daughter feel normal again. Like it will be okay someday, soon. Like her daughter is not an outcast. Like her daughter is loved.

I feel sad today. Is there someplace in this whole world where we fit in, where we can finally sink down roots and stay? Where people love us? Will my future be bright? Will my children and grandchildren be close to us? Will we always have this stigma of being the needy family? The family that just can't seem to make it on their own. 

Where are you, Father? I know there are so many sad and hurting folks all over the world. Who am I to feel bad or need your help. My problems are tiny in comparison to others. But my problems are monumental to me. How will we ever get over them? 

Can you love me and my family just a little more. Can you bring us quickly through this "season" unscathed. 

Here I am again, a worthless nothing in this world. I am humbled. And hurting. My heart is broken. I've been kicked in the gut and I feel sick. Each step is harder than before. Do I have any real friends? Does my God hear my prayers? Does He feel my heartache. Can He make any of this better? 

I am tired of being strong. I am tired of pretending to be strong. I hurt. I have feelings. I love. 

J

I am tired of being the bad guy. I have no one to talk to, to make me feel normal. Friendship is such an important stabilizer. Friendships stabilize you, ground you. Keep you from going crazy in the middle of life's hardships. All I have are distant relatives. Focus on distant in an emotional way. 

I don't know how to finish this for today. I shall look for something good and encouraging in today's weather. :) both inside and outside the house.

Journal Entry: December 22 2015

Today life goes on. Possibilities are on the horizon. And it's raining, a little bit. The sky in Corona is amazing and beautiful. The clouds come right over the top of the mountains and the winds blow with a chilly winter vengeance. I'm hoping life gets better for my family. Dad interviewed with some folks in OC for a new job. I'm praying the Lord will move mountains and bless in spite of ourselves, our sins of disobedience, our shortcomings. Our selfish desires...

The landscape inside is still emotional. I can't find my voice. I'm the little girl again. I'm not sure of my motives. I need counsel. I don't want to make the mistakes of yesteryear. My prayers are always the same. Can this ever get better? I don't want to burden, but I don't know how to bless.

Does anyone understand? Am I taking steps in the right direction?

We need a small, tidy place of our own. Can you work out the miracle, Father? Can you spread your love and make me feel normal? Can you guard and protect, and gently lead me down the stable road?

Will others be able to forgive my hateful actions. Can they move on and become a better people, a godly humans? Will my sins haunt me in those melancholy moments?

For now, I'll plow forward, seek good things, keep my chin up. Maybe great things are about to happen.

Journal Entry: January 5, 2016

Today is a lovely, rainy day. It may even rain steadily for a few days. My life and emotions have been up and down so much. This past year 2015 and even before that, have taken quite an emotional toll on my life. He has not had a steady ful time job since April 2015, but even that one only lasted 3 months. But that is all behind me, but all that is shaping where We are now, who we are now...

The road ahead of us looks long, and bumpy, and foggy. I'm not sure of the direction my personal life will take. I know the right thing to do, but I'm tired and my voice quivers. I have no courage left to do the right thing. I am so truly alone in my life. My younglings need me to be strong, to hold the rope for them to climb up in this world of steep cliffs of disappointments.

My defense, my surety is to stand back and not feel. Not hope. Not look forward. for most likely forward will be painful and stressful and not at all kind or gentle.

My only hope, my only hope is on him who created the foundations of the world. He that searches to and fro. He that holds the sun, moon, and stars together. Only he can bring back my love.